For centuries, scholars have debated the existence of the Yeti—an elusive mountain cryptid said to roam remote peaks, possess mysterious supernatural abilities, and avoid human contact (sounds like the dream).

Sightings are rare. Evidence is inconclusive. Footprints appear briefly in the snow before vanishing into legend. But it has been watching us, possibly for centuries, lurking behind the snack aisle at Costco, ogling as we fight over samples and who gets in the mile-long line next.

Actually, this reporter has it on good authority that the Yeti’s favorite place to creep on us is in airport terminals. Supposedly it relishes observing humans remove their shoes with quiet despair. It’s been studying us like a mildly disappointed anthropologist, hiding in the shadows or pretending to be a faux fur rug on the floor. 

So naturally, people wonder: Is the Yeti magical? Does it have superpowers? Does it wipe or use a bidet?

Burning questions, indeed. While we can’t know for sure about that last one, we can confirm that the yeti does, in fact, have superpowers. The best ones, I might add. 

Move over, Superman. The Yeti’s in town.

The Superpowers of the Witty Yeti

Rearview Realization Reflex 

Remembers their car needs gas right after  they pass the last gas station

for 12 miles. The car is already running on fumes. Naturally. The Yeti sighs. This is why we have a AAA subscription. 

Attachment Invisibility Field

Confidently types, “Please see attachment,” forgets to add the attachment to the email, apologizes, re-sends…still no file. A level of sequel disappointment akin to the last season of Game of Thrones. 

Snack Clairvoyance

Chooses the variety pack with all the flavors nobody likes. Usually something with nuts or bran. The Yeti has a con

spiracy theory about this: the only reason bulk variety packs exist is to force people to buy those flavors that they make but otherwise don’t sell well. How else

are they going to get rid of them before they expire??

Gaslight GPS

Follows directions perfectly….right into an inexplicable road block. Then wallow in despair when there’s no detour and GPS keeps confidently telling you to just go right through it while you scream in I don’t know where I’m going!!

Coupon Expiration Awareness

Discovers coupons and promotions only after they expire. Rediscovers a promo code for 25% off your entire purchase and experiences a powerful, fleeting joy before noticing it expired 4,037 days ago. They don’t make promos like they used to.

Charcuterie Imbalance

Perfectly miscalculates cracker-to-cheese ratios every time. Assembles a visually stunning board that runs out of crackers immediately and leaves 11 slices of lonely, exposed cheese (just like you). 

Confidence Aura 

Confidently walks into the wrong building as if legally summoned. Maintains eye contact. Doubles down. Must stay at least 5 minutes so everyone around knows you meant to walk in here. Maybe just hang out in the bathroom for a while and then leave to try and find the right building. The cycle begins anew.

Email Telepathy 

Finally sends the bold message to Karen at work…and immediately receives the snippy “Per my last email…” Rereads the last email only to find that yes, her first email was, in fact, quite clear. Thanks a lot, Karen. *sigh* It’s time for a vacation. Is it summer yet?

Key Displacement

Places keys somewhere “safe,” meaning a location so secure even future me cannot breach it without a search party. Lost keys remain undiscovered until 2 hours after new keys are made. 

Point-of-Sale Paralysis 

Always picks the slowest cashier line. Doesn’t matter if it was the shortest line when they got in it. That cashier will, inevitably, be slower than the sloths in “Zootopia,” and the person holding up the line is senile and chose the one loaf of bread with no barcode on it. 

This is why online shopping is literally the greatest thing ever. (Praise be! to Al Gore for inventing the internet.) Now it can still be a Peeping Yeti, but do its shopping online and never worry about its superpowers activating in public.

• No more waiting in lines

• No more having to interact with Karens out in the wild 

• [Side note: what are male Karens called? Kevins??? Keiths?? Kyles? Ohhh, yeah, Kyles. That makes sense] 

• No more guilt and shame over other people seeing your cart when you buy things like this