Valentine’s Day, as legend has it, began with a guy named Saint Valentine who may or may not have been secretly marrying people, defying emperors, and generally making questionable life choices in the name of love. There were also multiple Saint Valentines, which already feels like a red flag. Toss in ancient Roman festivals involving matchmaking lotteries and fertility rituals, and suddenly the holiday’s origins feel less “romantic” and more “HR would like a word.” 

Fast-forward a couple thousand years and his legacy is heart-shaped candies, aggressively frilly red and pink merchandise, and a nationwide reminder that if you truly love someone, you must absolutely prove it with your wallet. It’s quite the glow-up. Historians can debate the accuracy, but Target has already decided, and they’re waiting for you.

In the US today, Valentine’s Day is less about history and more about following a very specific, non-negotiable checklist (ahem guys, I’m trying to help you out here). 

1. You must buy flowers (at three times their normal price, naturally) 

2. You must give her chocolates in a heart-shaped box (even if they have nuts)

3. Buy a gift that communicates, “I planned this well in advance” (whether or not that’s technically true). The answer is, of course, jewelry. She wants jewelry. Put the stuffed animal down. And what do you get the girl who has everything? Nothing. Because nothing is better than something.

4. Oh, and don't forget the card! Cards range from deeply emotional to something the (Witty) Yeti came up with, and you are expected to select the exact right one or risk sleeping on the couch.

Then comes the grand finale: an overpriced dinner where everyone pretends they didn’t have to make the reservation five weeks ago and where the waiter watches you make awkward conversation for 3.5 minutes before you spend the rest of the meal looking at your phones. Your wallet may need this after seeing the bill.

And yes, there is more to the event after the V-Day meal—but I’m not gonna go there. At this point, you’ll find out if you did Valentine’s Day correctly. 😏 These might help.

It is super commercialized and transactional. And yet—somehow—I still love it. I love the candy, the cards, the over-the-top displays, and the collective agreement that being a little ridiculous is not only allowed, but encouraged. Valentine’s Day gives us permission to be openly sentimental, wildly extra, and just a touch dramatic, all while pretending we’re not fully aware of how expensive thoughtful it is.

Is Valentine’s Day kind of absurd? Yes. Is it a carefully engineered consumer event disguised as romance? Obviously. But it’s also pink, sparkly, sincere, and oddly comforting. And honestly, if we’re going to celebrate love, we might as well do it loudly, sarcastically, with chocolate…and possibly with a Yeti holding a rose while muttering, “this better be worth it.”