A Totally Serious Guide to Maintaining Chaos and Chemistry
Relationships are mostly about love, teamwork, and figuring out whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher without starting World War III.
It’s the little things that keep the spark alive—like passive-aggressively adjusting the thermostat, or pretending you didn’t see the mountain of laundry on the couch.
So here are 12 simple, completely foolproof ways to keep your significant other on their toes. You know—so they never get too comfortable thinking they understand you.
The Crumb-tastrophe
They asked you to clean the kitchen, and technically you did! But why wipe the counters when you can just lovingly relocate every crumb into new coordinates across the surface?
It’s called spreading character. Besides, no one can see those tiny crumbs anyway (they blend in with the granite!). Your spouse will admire your dedication to a spotless floor and a textured counter.
The Box Graveyard
If you get a “good box” you must stash it away somewhere like a crazed goblin. But the “bad boxes" only belong in one place: the garage.
Breaking them down flat? Fitting them into the recycling bin? That’s tomorrow’s problem (or, more accurately, your spouse’s problem).
A growing tower of Amazon boxes keeps the relationship suspenseful: will it topple today? Tomorrow? Next week?
The Mug Migration
Keep your partner on their toes (and on a fun scavenger hunt) by leaving water glasses and coffee mugs strewn throughout the house. One on the desk, one on the nightstand, one in the bathroom (don’t ask!).
Make sure all the mugs are empty except for one, which has just enough stale, gross, cold coffee in it that it splashes them as they pick it up. They needed to wash that arm anyway.
The Dinner Decision Dilemma
When your spouse asks, “What do you want for dinner?” answer, “I don’t care,” then reject every single idea they propose. It’s a time-honored ritual, and traditions are important! Somewhere between “Tacos again?” and “Pizza?” they’ll lose the will to live.
Decline all 17 options they give you. Then, wait until they accidentally cycle back to something they’ve already offered and say, “Oh, that’s perfect! How did you know?!”
The Toilet Paper Trial
Nothing triggers people more than the barbarians they live with not replacing the toilet paper roll. And sure, it’s super easy to do. But seeing the way they get agitated when the empty roll is left on the TP holder is just adorable.
Extra kudos if you DO replace the roll, but put it on the wrong way. Is it flap toward the wall or facing out? (LACES OUT!) Whatever your spouse prefers, do the opposite. (Hint: it’s most likely flap facing out, so turn it the other way and watch your day get a whole lot more interesting.)
The Laundry Latency
- Washing laundry: 40-50 minutes
- Drying laundry: 45-75 minutes
- Folding & putting away laundry: 4-7 business days
If anyone asks, you’re “letting the wrinkles relax.” Once you do get around to folding them, be sure to fold the towels the opposite of how your spouse does it. Into rectangles instead of thirds, tag side out, pure chaos.
When your spouse refolds them, act wounded and give them the sad eyes: “I was just trying to help.”
Bonus: you may never be asked to fold laundry again.
The Thermostat Tango
Set the thermostat to your comfort zone (otherwise known as the Arctic habitat), then act shocked when the light of your life adjusts it by two degrees. They’ll accuse you of trying to freeze them alive, but we all know they can just put on a sweater or something.
The great temperature war has no winners, only passive-aggressive sighs and a never-ending dance you think you’ll win someday.
The Dishwasher Development
Load the dishwasher like it’s an abstract art piece. Knives facing up, cups sideways, plastic melting on the bottom rack. Jackson Pollock would have understood. It’s called “creative expression.”
When your spouse inevitably reorganizes it, just say, “Oh, I thought that’s how you like it.” Their sigh will be audible from three miles away.
The Blanket Embargo
Your partner sleeps through the night with zero interruptions, discomfort, or night sweats, and it’s just not fair. So, the next time you wake up in the middle of the night, it’s your turn to hog the blanket.
It’s a simple maneuver: while on your back, clutch the blanket closely to your chest. Then, pretending to be asleep, innocently roll over onto your side, away from your cohabitant. Works every time.
[Serious, actual helpful tip from the author: if you really want to save your relationship, get separate blankets. Trust me.]
The Streaming Show Betrayal
There’s one in every relationship. Start a new series and agree to “only watch it together,” then watch three more episodes after they fall asleep. Listen, Netflix flippin’ knows what they’re doing with these addictive, “bingey” shows. [Did I just make up the word “bingey” for this article? Heck yeah I did. Momma’s gonna be so proud of me.]
Be forewarned: your significant other will eventually catch you. Because for whatever stupid reason, Netflix doesn’t let you reset what you’ve watched to make it look like you haven’t seen it before. Netflix is such a narc.
But the emotional terrorism you’ll inflict on your (arguably better) half is totally worth it.
The Vehicle Gaslight
My personal favorite. Return the car with what’s essentially fumes at this point and claim you “didn’t notice.” Honestly, I do this for my husband’s benefit. He needs to know that I still need him to do these things for me.
He can’t run off and leave me because he knows I’ll run out of gas a week later, stuck by the side of the road, and the protagonist on the next episode of Dateline. And it’d be all his fault.
Bonus points if the check engine light has been on so long it has become your car’s tattoo. Keeps the commute (and your relationship) exciting.
The Drawer Deferral
Never close a drawer or cabinet all the way. Why would you?? You might need something in there again soon. The slightly open gap adds intrigue—and bruised hips.
It’s exactly the right kind of annoying behavior that gives you that “quirk” you’ve always wanted, drives your other half a little crazy, but isn’t bad enough for them to leave you (yet).
Hope this helps!
And if you’re worried about the repercussions, relax. It’s just a bit of light psychological warfare, that’s all. And honestly, the key to any happy relationship is balance.
So for every one of these delightful quirks, make sure you do something nice for your significant other to make up for them. That’ll really leave them guessing.