1. Hugging Touching

Because God forbid a stranger sees a doting mother even touch her son, let alone hug him. *gasp*

Oh, but all that goes out the window at bedtime. Then, in a sweet, almost child-like voice, it's, "Mom, will you tuck me in?"

Yeah, now you want a hug from me.

And the petty side of me wants to make a snarky remark and point out how he's probably too old for this, but the desperate-for-any-teenage-affection side of me is like, Soak it up while you can. Only a few more years until he goes off to move into the basement.

2. Referring to Playdates as "Playdates"

"Mooooommmit's not a playdate!!"

Oh, really? Is it at a set time and date? And what will you be doing while you're there? That's what I thought.

When asked what I should call it instead, I was given a shrug of the shoulders and a murmured, "I dunno." Super helpful!

Me when I drop him off: "Have a fun playdate, boys!"

3. Buy New Clothes Without First Consulting Them

You know, I've had many, many people compliment my good taste in clothing and shoes over the years. And, IMHO, I feel like I'm good at knowing what people's style is and sticking to what they would like when shopping for them.

But my teenage son would disagree. Not only am I not allowed to shop for any clothes or shoes for him without him being present, but he has also decided to distinguish himself from the rest of our family's style. Apparently we're too "bright" and "colorful."

So while my husband, 2 younger daughters, and myself are wearing fun, bold colors and patterns (especially in the spring and summer), my teenage son looks like a member of an emo band. Nothing but dark, plain, monochrome colors, even when it's hot af outside.

And I know he prefers solids in the scope of blue, gray, and black only, so I carefully selected a plain blue shirt for him. The logo wasn't large or bold or anything and I thought for sure it'd be safe.

Nope. Someone call Witness Protection for this shirt.

The problem? The blue was too blue. Just shoot me in the face. Anything to avoid the return line at Kohl's.

4. Make an Easter Basket That Doesn't Contain Twix

Oh, the horror of not having Twix in your Easter basket!! Nevermind that all your other favorites were in there (including those unholy creations of Satan: Peeps).

When I was a kid, my Easter basket regularly included tangerines and walnuts. In fact, it was more fruit than candy, and the candy was mostly Peeps. And would we ever have complained to our parents about it? Hell no! It'd be the most efficient way to make sure you never got an Easter basket again.

Kids really have no clue how good they have it these days.

5. Sing

That's right, we've been forbidden from singing–or whistling–both in the house and in public. It has nothing to do with tone-deafness, either.

It has everything to do with the fact that my husband walked down the hallway singing "Golden" at the top of his lungs (you know, a typical Saturday morning) while our son was playing video games with voice chat with a friend of his.

I can understand the embarrassment, especially after having to admit to his friend that it was his dad who was singing. I don't know why he didn't just blame the singing on his younger sister–at that pitch, it's believable.

6. Play "Your" Music Too Loudly During Carpool

Doesn't matter what genres you listen to–they're all banned from audible perception once those car doors swing open. They'll be jammin' to Backstreet Boys one minute, then impatiently ordering you to turn the music down the next.

The highlight of my husband's morning is to turn down the K-Pop Demon Hunters soundtrack as he pulls up to the school, then blast it as our kids are getting out of the car and watch our son walk-run into school, not making eye contact with anyone and silently praying no one saw which car he came out of.

It's good to have leverage over them.

7. Use Slang

Doesn't matter if it's "My bad" or "she's delulu." Slang from any generation will earn you an exaggerated eye roll and an exasperated sigh from a teen.

Although, I did learn something new that I'm totally going to use in my house now: "Fanum tax." Apparently it's the "tax" of a friend swiping a bite of your food. I'm going to use it on my kids, no cap. W.

[Translation for the oldies: "No cap" = No lies. "W" = Win.]

8. Speak To Their Friends

Talking to their friends (or, God-forbid, ask them how school is going) is a huge no-no. I once overheard a teen telling their friend that when their parents talk to their friends, "it sounds like a LinkedIn interview. So cringe."

Listen, just be grateful we don't bust out your baby pictures, ok?