by Lindsey Shellhammer

Have an existential crisis about how we still say "hang up" even though phones don't hang anymore
Have you ever had to explain why we say "hang up" to a young-un? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Go to the gynecologist without shaving first
You tell yourself that this will be the last time you forget to shave before the annual "disrobe-n-probe," but let's be honest–it will happen again.

Go to the third parent-teacher conference that month because my daughter keeps "popping butts" at school
What was a cute, silly little game we played at home for a few years where we'd "pop" someone's butt as they bent over quickly becomes an awkward conversation.

Before you have kids, you'd never imagine the levels of cringe you'll face once your little crotch monsters are out in the wild.

Bend over for the doctor to "inspect" my butthole for polyps
Apparently doctors play "popping butts" too!

And people wonder why I avoid going to the doctor all the time. 🙄

Have a casual conversation about sex with my in-laws
0/10. Would not recommend. As far as they're concerned, I did the dirty 3 times (yup, once per kid).

Make small talk with my dentist with a mouth full of metal tools
Why do dentists insist on asking you questions when they know you can't properly answer?! They're literally poking the crap out of your gums while asking you how your kids are doing and if they've been flossing.

Of course they're not flossing! I barely floss and I'm a full-fledged adult!! (supposedly)

Have my mom just "pop by" unannounced
And of course it's never on the day that I have my sh!t together and am up early and look nice. No, it's on the one day I overslept and am still in my bathrobe at 11:30am.

It's okay, just throw in some fake coughs and ask her to make you some chicken soup. Hopefully I'm still a good liar.

Making small talk with the other kids' parents at your kid's birthday party
Next time I'm bringing a note card with some prepared topics to talk about, like, "So do y'all have plans for Fall Break?" and "How's the school year going so far?"

😫 Why am I so bad at this??

Clean out the warm, moist food debris in the sink drain with my bare hands
I just threw up a little. Still worth doing over talking on the phone.

Having to explain to your 6-year-old that Mommy's rubber sausage is not her toy
And to leave it in its special drawer that we must never open again. I mean, can a mom get a little privacy around here???

Maybe it's time to get a lock for that drawer…